the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
And then he peed in my hair
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