Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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