its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
