How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
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