U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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