I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
