How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
