he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
