Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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