She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
