remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
