Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
