Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Randomize
