I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i think i have two assholes
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
