I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
