I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.