And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes