A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
