this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
