y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
