I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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