OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
