ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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