The maid of honor just puked.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
