i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
