Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
