I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
