My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
