Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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