Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
