I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
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