oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
