So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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