I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
