he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
