I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
