You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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