got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
