i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
