you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
