I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
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