dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
