I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
