New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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