my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
