i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
