I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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