if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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