I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I just want nice things and good sex
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
