The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
