I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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