I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
