we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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