maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
