You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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