If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
The cops high fived after they tackled you
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