If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
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