Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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