she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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