I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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